“Roses have thorns and shining waters mud..
And cancer lurks deep in the sweetest bud..
Clouds and eclipses stain the moon and the sun..
And history reeks of the wrongs we have done..”
--Gordon Sumner (Sting)
Courtship, Marriage and the Ubiquitous “Dating Thing.”
Pick a song, any song, the ones from the top. That’s right, think of any American Top 40 tune and consider the lovey-dovey words, the “I can’t live without you!” words, the “let’s dive into that broom closet and get to know each other” words. Maybe those are poetic in their own way, but, well...
Arabs, on the other hand— arguably the most romantically-minded people on the planet—have a knack for putting their feelings in more heartfelt terms than in the likes of such songs as Hit Me, Baby, One More Time (Britney Spears’ claim to fame) and I Want You Back (N Sync). For example, Lebanese singer Asy el-Hellani sings “Wi’n kan aalaya/addilak enayya/bass inta tirda/wi’t’hissi bayyaa ,” which means “If it was up to me, I would give you my eyes, just so you would agree/accept and feel my presence.” And Egyptian singer Amr Diab, in Ayzeen Yighayarook, sings “Yakhdo enaya, y’shofook,” which translates into “If they took my eyes, they would see you (in them).” But relationships don’t always start out that way..
For my fellow first-generation Americans, get ready to hide a smirk, because your life story is likely hidden somewhere in this article. For the uninitiated—that is, the person who’s never had a thing to do with the Arab way of doing things (namely dating)—I advise you to buckle up. You’re going to hear some things that’ll make your teeth itch.
First comes marriage, then the baby carriage, then love (if you’re lucky).
Sometimes it happens like the movies—two people see one another across a crowded room, hearts connecting the same moment their eyes do. More often than not, however, the future spouses are the victims of matchmaking attempts or chance meetings at religious centers (though in some cases, a man will learn about someone’s daughter or sister or friend—sight unseen—and then come to her house for a visit with her father). More often than not, an arsenal of roguish tricks assists the potential lovebirds in securing affections and ascertaining feelings.
At any rate, under the old regime, the Arab man learns about a potential bride, asks about her, and then—as early as the same day, in some cases—enters into an engagement contract with her. In more Westernized Arab cities, however, fewer and fewer couples enter into an engagement so quickly, opting instead to learn more about one another before signing on the dotted line. Every region also has its own pattern of arranging things, and its own particular timetable for doing so. I think it’s safe to say, however, that a good deal of Middle Easterners who still live there aren’t “in love with” their intended when they say “I do”—at least not in the American sense.
Many American women take a proposal as a sign that things are going great, and that an “I love you” is on the horizon. American men are generally quick to forgive the woman they love, because they would rather spend the rest of their lives with her than without. Arabs, on the other hand, are looking for a spouse who fits their criteria, and generally don’t stick around too long if something unsavory appears out of their almost-spouse’s past.
The biggest deal-breakers are dishonesty, having hidden something, and being damaged goods (these obviously overlap, in some cases), although, true to Middle Eastern form, a man would be forgiven most of these, while a woman would get dropped like nobody’s business.
In terms of dishonesty, one may have lied about his or her age. I was especially sad to hear about a girl who had spent almost 15 months engaged to a man who loved her dearly. They were both professional, successful first-generation Americans; her family hailed from Port Saiid, while his family, who loved her as their own, came from Aswan.
On one of her birthdays, his family threw a celebration, inviting all of the other Egyptian families in the area.
All was well until it was time to open the gifts; as her soon-to-be mother-in-law read card after card aloud (to the girl’s delight), one card made Aunty stop in her tracks “To Rania, the sweetest and best girl, on your 27th birthday! God bless!”. His mother’s face drained of color, but she pressed her lips into a tight smile that no one really picked up on. Making an excuse, she managed to sequester both families. “Is it true that your daughter is twenty SEVEN?” she demanded. “Yes, but you’ve known this for over a year,” answered the girl’s father, suspecting his future sister-in-law of madness. “But my SON,” she screeched, “is only twenty FIVE!! You said she was younger than he was! Khalas!” It didn’t matter to her that her son was almost 26, that he couldn’t have cared less if his intended had been 30, or that the misinformation was actually due to a well-meaning relative. Alas, what the mother said went, and there was more than a hint of sadness in his eyes as he turned to stare at her one last time.
Other than age, a girl can lie about having been engaged before, about her extent of sexual experience, or even about her opinions. Arabs obviously don’t have a corner on the prospective bride’s lying market, but in many cases, the deal’s off once the falsehood is unearthed.
In terms of hiding things (close relative of ‘lying’), a girl might hide her previous involvement or even friendship with another man (some Arabs can be very suspicious of a mere friendship), any physical involvement with these same men, and illnesses in her family, either physical or emotional; This is because Arab families tend to steer clear of families with illnesses among their members, because they feel that it will have affected the person, and also because of heredity; this is the opposite of Americans, whose attitude when in love is more often than not “We’ll get through this together! I’m here for you,” rather than the Arab response of “um.... see ya!” On the other hand, one Saiidi friend of mine alleges that it was her refusal of her previous fiancé’s repeated attempts to seduce her that made her now-husband admire her and propose.
The third deal breaker, as I’ve mentioned, is the state of being “damaged goods.” Many Arabic women I know disregarded the fact that their suitors were playboys prior to the engagement, declaring, “He picked me, though, didn’t he?” Some men feel almost the same, citing “It’s what happens after the marriage that counts!” For the woman to feel this way is almost expected (rather unreadily, sometimes), but it’s something of a rarity for the man to feel this way. More common are the men who are out for blood, so to speak, but more on that later. For now, let’s start in on the roguish tricks that I mentioned earlier..
Roguish Tricks
Most people will agree that love is a game. As previously mentioned, some of the male players (not that kind!) take the bull by the horns and ask for an engagement immediately. Other players might send their mother over as an ambassador of goodwill, still others spend months engaged in a staring competition with their quarry, whether because they wish to know more about her, be more certain of their own feelings for her, or even because they are too shy to say anything. Their shyness isn’t of the “aww, shucks!” nature—rather, it’s the sort that arises when the player isn’t sure how his target will respond. After all, if she’s a good and virtuous girl, the player should never even suspect her of having noticed him.
But maybe I’m getting ahead of myself. Though this study in coyness, ‘the secret admirer,’ as I’ve dubbed it, was more popular in past generations and larger (rather than smaller) gatherings, it can be found, to this day, wherever Arabs collect. Here’s how it generally plays out: An Arab of the female persuasion ignores a man or frowns intensely at him, even behaving brusquely or impolitely towards him if he happens to come near her. Any respectable Arab man will immediately know that not only is she interested, but respectable, since overt symbols are seen as signs of immorality. If the man is a non-Arab, however, he will think that she dislikes him or is not interested. Of course, this is named the ‘secret admirer’ because the female’s regard is supposed to be kept secret.
One famous trick used by suitors is the overt and artificially clumsy brush against the lady’s arm or leg. If she smiles at him, she’s seen as immoral (surprise, surprise). If she ignores him, she’s thought to enjoy it (some would disagree with this assessment, however), but if she apologizes, she’s seen as good and proper, and the courtship can go on to the next step, which is the curt nod.
In some parts of the Middle East, there are even prearranged non-verbal signals that mean different things—like the one wherein an unmarried man takes one sip from a full glass of water or lemonade, then hands it off to a girl. Many people would interpret this in different ways, such as “I guess someone bit off more than he could chew!” or “what a waste!” or even, “If I move now, *I* can be the first to snatch that glass away!” For a Nineties kind of girl hailing from parts of the Saiid, among others, it’s taken as an overt invitation of courtship. So she should take care not to get too thirsty, or else find herself with an ardent suitor on her hands.
Of course, these tricks aren’t the only ones available to a young person who wants to get married (the more resourceful Arabs devise methods as they go along). Furthermore, tricks can be used by anyone who fancies him or herself a matchmaker, especially siblings and mothers. For example, the married brother of a single young man who’s in absentia might just deposit his two-year old into the arms of an unsuspecting beauty that he’s noticed a few times. The toddler’s mother appears from nowhere and magically snaps a photo, then sails over to retrieve her child. “Wow, Baby Yasmine really likes you! Hope you don’t mind.. where are your children? With your husband? Oh.. you’re not married, hmm? That’s too bad...” (insert mock tragic air here) “But, inshallah, soon you’ll have a nice young man come all the way to.. where is it that you live, again?” Obviously, the absentee family member only makes further contact if her appearance in the photo is pleasing to him (to my Western and Westernized readers—hold your anger at this chauvinism until you hear what my friend Nermine once told me).
In terms of mothers getting involved, this can happen in many ways. In one, she notices the girl and breezily chats her up, so as to determine her eligibility. In another, she might befriend the girl and “try to fix her up” with the young men of the church (each of whom “turns out” to have a “glaring error” which might never be verified), after which she “gives up” and “jokingly” suggests her own son, instantly reneging (outwardly) while intensely scrutinizing the girl’s reaction. Still others actually mention the fact that they’re shopping for a daughter-in-law, and end up closer to the girl than their son is (before the marriage, anyway). In any of these cases (and others), the mother might be acting on her son’s request, but she might also be taking the initiative. “But Sally,” you might be wondering, “What if any of these instances plays out—and the wife-to-be has never even seen what the guy looks like?”
My swiftest response would be that in more recent years, and in more Westernized cities, these shenanigans don’t happen as often, since women are getting out of the house more, attending college, entering the work force, and meeting their own prospects. Like one of my best friends, who was the head of accounts in a Cairo hotel. Her now-husband met her upon check-in and proposed to her before he’d checked out, without having met her father (although he did make an appointment to meet him soon after).
Another response would be the answer my friend Nermine gave me at lunch one day, when I commented that a new member of our church was attractive. “Sally!!” she began (people seem to say that a great deal). “Looks aren’t everything! Nor taste in cologne, nor being well-dressed, nor any of those things! The only important thing is if he treats you well.” I said nothing, and reached for another piece of bread. “What do you think you’re doing? Have you gone mad?” she asked, causing me to smirk inwardly and remark, “No, but you certainly have...” She shook her head and confiscated my freshly buttered roll. “Sally! Unmarried women aren’t allowed to eat bread. Bread only makes you fat, and you can’t be fat before the wedding.” I sat up straighter. “Oh really,” I said, giving her a keen look. “Of course. Men, and especially Egyptian men don’t like fat women,” she went on matter-of-factly. “Wait, hold up. You’re telling me to disregard a guy’s appearance, his physique or lack thereof, his wealth or lack thereof, and a face so unappealing that I would sooner adopt than reproduce—and on top of that starve myself and paint on a face so ghastly that even Dennis Rodman would cringe?”
She nodded placidly. “Your appearance must please the man, but it doesn’t matter what he looks like, since he’s the man,” she finished, smiling beatifically. (I, for the record, was *not* smiling.)
Dating vs. Engagement
The period of engagement can last years or days, depending on the couple and their circumstances. In older times, the man would take years to save up and buy a house, before getting married—though these days, more and more couples get married at younger ages and just rent a flat somewhere.
In generations past, there were stringent limits as to what the engaged couple was allowed, in terms of time spent together, chaperones (or lack thereof), and physical contact. In the beginnings of this past century (1900s and beyond), love matches were rather rare, and the prospective bride and groom may not have ever spent time together or had a conversation. In some places, they may even have been betrothed since birth. In other places, the groom would look first towards his family, searching for a female cousin of marriageable age. The fact that these marriages were practically arranged obliterated long engagements and the subsequent “how far is too far?” question.
In later years, more and more love matches occurred, but only certain things were allowed the couple—going somewhere with a chaperone, talking on the phone for hours, having a visit under her father’s roof. These days, things have gotten so Westernized (in places) that it’s not unheard of for the engagement to follow the same course as a Western one (with the exclusion of sex—or so we hope). Which explains why a fair number of young Arab bachelors refuse to marry someone who was previously engaged. Though in more restricted circles, like the Saiid in Egypt, the engagement is still a rigorously monitored period of getting to know one another, devoid of holding hands and other, erm, goods-damagers.
In another show of the West’s ideals having crept in, it’s not that uncommon in the bigger cities for a girl to even have a “boyfriend” (this was not only unheard of, but strictly punishable 50 years ago), although religion, the family’s social station, and other factors may limit the girl’s freedom (or increase it, as the case may be in more Westernized cities).
I remember how surprised a cousin of mine was to watch her friend’s wedding video, direct from Alexandria—“I can’t believe this! They’re doing the tango!” she gasped. “They’re not half bad,” I muttered, but she heard. “That’s the *point*, though!” she blustered. “They’ve obviously danced that same dance *before*—before they were *married*!”
Dating and Marriage Issues for Stateside Arabs
The rapidly morphing state of pre-marital relationships in the Middle East is exhausting, yes. But this next issue—the very same issues tailored to immigrants and first generation Americans—is even more of a doozy. Especially since the meanings of the words “boyfriend,” “girlfriend,” “dating,” “engagement,” and “fiancé” mean so many different things to so many different people.
In an earlier era, an American guy could take his “girlfriend” (a dame he was “seeing”) out for a milkshake and a drive-in, with “should I try to hold her hand?” and “Is our third date too soon for a good-night kiss?” as the major questions at the back of his mind. A few years down the road, pregnancy outside of marriage was a big no-no, but everything was ok as long as it was kept under wraps. Fast forward yet a few more years, and no one hid the fact that they were living with a significant other. And in recent years, young American women are encouraged to date many men, so they can find “that perfect someone” without “settling.” These days, common advice for an American girl who’s thinking about accepting a proposal is “Why not live with him, honey? Just to make sure you can live with him, you know. So you can see if everything checks out.”
Obviously, there are extremes in each direction, but it’s taken for granted that there is a physical relationship between an American girl and her boyfriend, and that a guy has stayed over at his fiancée’s house at some point. What used to be the exception is now the rule. But I’m not here to offer social commentary (lucky for you)—so we’ll get on with the dating debate, shall we?
The first question asks, ‘Should the young Arab American date?’ While a Westerner might say “Sure, nothing to lose,” an Arab—one following Arab precepts, anyway—would view dating as they would a snake—as something that could come back and bite them later. At the very least, the parents would think this way. They would not want their child to behave in a manner inconsistent with their (the parents’) upbringing. Many of the most Americanized Arabs I have met have shrugged nonchalantly in the face of every topic I could throw at them—but they prickled at the word “dating.” On the other hand, many immigrants are so intent on fully Americanizing that they really have no problem with allowing their children to go out. But more on them in another article.
So, shifting our focus onto the twenty- or thirty-something professional Arab American singleton who lives alone and can, for the most part, do what he or she likes, we run into a number of non-parentally motivated matters (strongly affected by whether the singleton identifies more as an Arab or as an American with Arab roots) which crop up when considering if (and how) they should date: ‘What do I want out of this, anyway?’ and ‘Am I thinking ahead or for the moment?’
In the former, we find our singleton (not to be confused with “dating simpleton,” although if the shoe fits....) making the decision between momentary physical satisfaction, the friendship which might provide the same physical satisfaction, the casual date, the relationship that covers every aspect of one’s life (but isn’t really a high priority), the loving and amiable companionship that brings all of the pleasure and almost none of the guilt, or the less scaled-down version, which comes with more responsibilities and the same phone number, meaning that the options open to the young Arab American are the (so poetically named) “booty call,” the “friend with rights,” the “bookmarker,” the “sometimes soul mate,” the “unofficial spouse” or even the “live in love,” respectively.
In the latter question, the singleton should definitely consider what effect his or her present actions will have on his or her future. For example, a girl who decides to “experiment” in high school or college will find herself with that many fewer choices, should she elect to marry an Arab. Also, while some people in smaller towns where everyone knows everyone might not flinch at getting engaged and then breaking it off if things don’t match up well enough, other people see any broken engagement as a broken vow (I *did* mention that they signed a contract, right?) and would never marry someone who’d *broken* an engagement, apart from adultery or abuse. As mentioned before, a majority of American men would not exclude a potential mate just because she’d been engaged, in love or, um, lust, before.
While never having dated might have its positive sides, there are a few negative aspects that can arise when one has literally never sat alone with a member of the opposite sex until the ripe old age of 22, 24 or 39. One issue is the singleton’s not knowing how to act on a “date.” Don’t forget, our friend here has lived his or her life under the roof of a dark-haired and more fiery-tempered “father knows best” who, more often than not, has kept a tight rein on Junior’s comings and goings. While this isn’t a horrible issue, it can make for increasingly awkward and/or neurotic behavior on the part of the singleton.
But it can also cause bigger problems, such as being too friendly, that is, not knowing enough about the opposite sex and “innocently” getting into situations, albeit unintentionally, that are better off avoiding. On the other hand, a singleton may feel the need to make up for lost time, whether in the quantity of dates he or she seeks (like Sara, who moved out of her father’s house only to go out on dates every night), or in the “quality time” he or she spends with their date (like Marian, who went out with—and had a physical relationship with—the first guy she went out with after having moved out). Of course, some Arab Americans remember their upbringing and never forget that their first accountability is to God.
The next issue we come across is the question of whom to date and/or marry? While objectives and criteria may differ between recent immigrants and first generation Arab Americans, there are a few threads that tie them together. For example, one may choose to marry one in precisely the same circumstance, since a shared culture can ease things along. This is like the recent immigrant who wants to marry a girl from back home, so as to feel as though he’s still at home, or possibly to have someone to commiserate with. One might also choose to marry one in precisely the opposite situation, such as the Arab American who has only been the Middle East once, and wants to immerse herself in a culture that she was denied, and thus chooses someone who’s fresh off the boat. Still others might choose a non-Arab, hoping for a less dramatic spouse, or perhaps a touch of culture. And of course, it goes without saying that some might marry an American citizen to obtain a Green Card, although as far as I know, these marriages last just as long as other marriages.
In terms of dating, some people might choose to date people from every category (immigrant, first-generationer, American, non-Arab) in order to assess each category’s feasibility as a marriage partner. Then again, some people might just want to experience everything before snapping on the old ball and chain.
In terms of inter-religious dating, neither Islam nor Christianity really supports it without some form of conversion, though obviously, different sects and denominations have different traditions. For example, Islam has a whole list of rules that a non-Islamic man has to follow before being allowed to marry a Moslem woman. Some of these rules include the changing of the non-Moslem name, the submission to a three-year period of scrutiny before being acknowledged as a true believer, the donning of the Dishdasha (which signifies having been “tamed into Islam”) and the removal of his old life, as well as the more obvious ones like circumcision, a recitation of the Shahada, and a commitment to follow the Five Pillars of Islam.
The Coptic Orthodox Church also requires a conversion to their religion, though they go so far as to disavow any marriage that didn’t occur in their church. Protestants, as well as many other Christians, however, have no such rule (although the Bible does warn against being ‘unequally yoked.’).
Purity
Since we’ve already covered the “Arabic men want someone as pure as the driven snow” argument, let’s just explore the definition of purity, alternate views of such, extraordinary circumstances, and methods of dealing with the last two.
Merriam Webster defines purity as “unmixed with any other matter; free from dust, dirt, or taint; spotless, stainless; characterized by no appreciable alteration; being thus and no other; free from what vitiates, weakens, or pollutes; containing nothing that does not properly belong; free from moral fault or guilt; marked by chastity; ritually clean.” Apparently, Arab men took Merriam Webster to heart, because many of them won’t even look at a girl who’s kissed another guy, although this view, as you can guess, is changing slightly in some places.
But right now we’re focusing on Arabs in America, so let us ask the question, ‘How far is too far?’ The ideal answer is “Even less than one tenth of a step,” but for some young people who’ve been brought up in the States, or for others who’ve recently escaped from the stringent limits of the Middle East, this option is less than ideal. (I know that some people are bristling now, objecting to that remark and saying “I have never touched anyone!” or “My baby would never look at *any* person under the sun!” I know, I know, so kindly settle down and keep reading about the people who *aren’t* as perfect as you and yours.)
As we know, some people have done literally nothing. Next we find the ones who may have heard words of affection from someone, or said them, which is just as bad as having done something, to some people. Moving on, we run into those who have had the odd kiss here and there with the same person, whether based on lust or on actual emotions, then those who have shared the odd kiss with more than one. Sliding down the spiral we find those who’ve indulged in everything but actual “I could get pregnant, you know” sex (I call this the ‘whorish virgin model’), those who had one monogamous relationship with someone “I thought I was going to marry!” Finally, we come across those who totally flout convention and go on to explore their sexuality, then feel that “what’s done is done (so why stop now?)” known as bayzah bayzah in Arabic, turning to immorality as a lifestyle, since they’re already ruined. I call this the ‘Tainted Flower Scenario.’ Tainted flowers, it should be noted, are in a league of their own and may as well invest in a scarlet letter to wear and a Salvation Army bell to ring, for all the support they’d get from fellow Arabs who learn about their way of life.
Of course, not all tainted flowers lose their self-respect and pull an Energizer Bunny stunt—some feel that it’s important to get back to their “proper virginal status” and get sewn up in a patently Arab surgery, so that their husband would never know. I have dubbed this the ‘Third Wave Virgin’ model, mostly because a girl wouldn’t have illicit relations just once, but she might twice (“one for the road” or whatever.) Some Arabic women take this even further and pretend that they have no idea how to kiss.
Of course, not every act of immorality is an act of free will. In a sadder take on my previous models is the ‘Crushed Flower Model,’ whereby a man seduces or attacks a woman, causing her to despair and leave her family rather than be killed by her father, turning her into a pliant wife because the man is “good enough” to take her in. Other times, a man might attack a woman so that she will be forced to marry him, granting him a Green Card. Still other times, the attack is used as a weapon against religious affiliation or political stance. Of course, Arab culture being what it is, the victim is sometimes blamed, and turned out of her house anyway. Other times, an Arab man, who may once have been so enamored of the girl he’s decided on, might have to walk away (Arab men being the paragons of open-mindedness that they are). In any case, the woman is broken and the attacker benefits—or thinks he does. He certainly doesn’t suffer, in many instances.
Moving right along, we come across the many methods that people employ to deal with “mistakes,” no matter whose fault it is (interesting that men not *only* have no proof of virginity—apart from their word, which can be dubious—but even if they *aren’t*, they’re still seen as *men* and thus allowed to! What woman would walk away from a man for having slept around before having met her?) Anyway.
One method of getting fixed up hearkens back to the surgery (called hymenorrhaphy or hymenoplasty) that I hinted at earlier. This apparently makes the woman intact again, and the potential husband is none the wiser (woe to the virtuous woman who was a gymnast or horseback rider as a youngster and lacks a little something on her wedding night, though!). Moving on, we come across the highly arcane and technical strategy of lying. This obviously doesn’t work all the time, as proven by the honor killings that still happen in some regions, and the post-honeymoon disownings that occur once the girl’s father gets wind of it. Some women actually display a disregard for “the rules,” doing what they want and depending on “love” to save them when their husband takes issue. Finally, some girls are forced to disregard the type of men who would care about provable virginity (interesting to note that some Western women who so fear the pain of their first time actually go under the knife—voluntarily—to surgically alter their virginity, in what’s known as a hymenectomy or hymenoclasis).
What's there to look forward to?
In the home of an Arab (American or no), the greatest focus is on building a home and family. The master status is that of “parent”, rather than spouse, though this is changing, thankfully.
The plus of this child-centeredness are a cohesive family where the kids feel loved and everyone feels that they’re a part of something greater. Another characteristic of the family of an Arab is lots of laughter! While Moslems are allowed divorce and the Orthodox and Catholics are granted annulments, divorces are sternly frowned upon in the Protestant church, which brings us to a minus regarding not divorcing (no matter what religion the couple belongs to)—staying together can make for a cold climate if the parties should ever irrevocably disagree.
Furthermore, in Islam (as well as in the households of some Christian splinter groups), we see that the man can “punish his wife” by 1- warning her, 2- withholding sex and finally, if the other two don’t work, 3- striking her lightly. This is interesting because 1- the sex is probably more rewarding for the man, anyway, since there are certain things that aren’t allowed in Arabic culture, and 2- striking, by definition, can’t be “lightly done.” I’ve dubbed this the ‘No More Nookie’ model, by the way.
Worse than no sex is the ‘Mrs. Arab Mathematician model,’ which came about when I read Geraldine Brooks’ account of a Saudi man who denied his daughters and wife the chance to go to Harvard because he thought that going to America would corrupt them—not because America was bad (although he probably felt that way)— but because they “wouldn’t know who they were anymore,” which can be attested to by multitudes of first-generation Americans who hail from Arab countries and don’t know whether they can or should date, drink, smoke, use drugs, go out after 8 p.m., or get their own apartment before they’re married. Oh, but that’s what we’ve been discussing for the past few pages, isn’t it?
Finally is my conjecture that every married Arab woman alive grows to typify the ‘Yenta Principle,’ which involves marrying everyone off, much like the mother-in-law in Sense and Sensibility (and the matchmaker in Fiddler on the Roof, for whom this principle is named). Since these ladies have arranged their own lives already, they literally seek out young girls that they can mentor and marry off to young men that they know.
Singleness
Finally, despite the fact that matchmaking is a national past-time, and the fact that every Arabic song ever penned has to do with love—unrequited, forbidden, old or new, as well as aspects of love, such as faithfulness, loyalty and romance—it’s far easier for a heretofore unattached Arab to go through his or her life wholly unattached (when compared with the average American, that is). Meaning single. Not that singleness is the norm for Arabs—most assuredly it is not. In fact, as we’ve discussed, Arabs love children and wish to marry and begin a family, but if they end up never having had one, they won’t lament (the lack of spouse, anyway). This is because Arabs don’t (or shouldn’t, as we’ve seen!) have any experience dating, and thus don’t know what they’re missing.
This is not to say that they don’t dream, and that they’re happy to be single, just that they can be happy despite it, although some Arab divorcees may have been burned by a marriage, causing them to rejoice in their lack of commitment. As a famous proverb from Egypt says, ‘Illi yit’hireh bil shorba hayinfokh aala’l zabadi,’ which means “The one who was burned by soup will blow on yogurt.”
This totally differs from the “Wow, three months since the divorce—how do you cope?!” mentality that seems common in the West, or the “Who’s next?” mentality that makes it seem as though having someone—anyone—is of utmost importance in being complete, in being validated by society and friends.
I know dozens of 40- and 50-somethings who have never been married, either because their parents needed a caretaker, or because their job took up more time than a spouse could allow, or even because they couldn’t find a decent candidate. And while they felt a certain sadness at never having had someone of their own, or a child in their image, they believed in and trusted God’s will for their lives...
